day 38

Stay at home mom day 38. Days 1-37 were to depressing to write about and I don’t want to remember this phase of my life-like that because it’s transitioning. Stay at home moms are often forgotten about by even stay at home moms themselves. I personally hated going to work everyday. I can’t even think of a job I want to do except being a stay at home mom. So who knew that after achieving my dreams; it could be so hard.  Feeling lonely isn’t a term I like to just throw around in the open, however, that’s the best way to describe it. I get to stay home with my wonderful son, I don’t have to work, I have all day to get done what I would have had to do anyway, and I can work in my sweatpants which is always a bonus, but yes it is lonely. I did move from the city to a farm which probably didn’t help, and I did go from a full on single parent to relying on someone else to pay for me and my child, which has been a battle within myself. the biggest battle I’ve faced has been myself and my goals. There goes me getting in the way of me again. No one ever told me life was full of one problem after another.  When I found out I was pregnant at 19 my world stopped, it changed, I had no idea what I was going to do but I knew it was something.  I vowed to take care of my son and love him to death. I continued going to school, I worked full-time and I raised him and we have the best relationship and I succeeded. But now I’m 24 without any goals.  Perfect boyfriend, check, bachelors degree, check, stay at home mom career, check. Is my life over? No, but it feels that way a little bit with the 80 hours a week of alone time lol.

I love talking, it’s a defense mechanism I picked up throughout life. Just talk, if you never shut up, people never have anything to wonder, therefore, they don’t ask anything and that’s how I pick and choose what everyone knows about me. I don’t have much to talk about anymore is the problem. My real life problems are equivalent to a four-year olds lol. I find this to be difficult when i try to socialize. I avoided it before, but I have nothing to talk about now.

We went to Wal-Mart to get hangers and horseradish. It’s a thirty minute drive of nothing. I can’t wait until it’s summer so I can enjoy this fresh air I moved to.

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